Some creative title.

It is early, the warmth of the morning foreshadowing the heat of the day to come. The light of the sun pulls steam from every crevice in the ground. It seems as though even the trees have been engulfed in some invisible fire. As Jake and I reach the open expanses of the lake we are greeted by the soft crash of the artificial waves created by passing boats. The fog seems to be dancing freely with the surface of the water to some unheard beat created from the earth itself. As Jake busies himself with the exploration of this new area I slowly bait a hook. As I cast my line I hope that no passing fish finds my bait interesting, it would break the solitude and quiet that seems to be reaching its sinews into my very core. I am not sure if it is the fog, the rising sun’s glitter dancing on the water, or the way nature seems to be waking, but something seems magical about this morning. For a time I forget all of my worries and all of my aches seem to be drowned in the moment.

A hawk circles high above searching for an early breakfast. It breaks the morning’s silence with its call. According to most Native American cultures hawks are a good sign. The moment causes me to reflect on our relationship with this world. I tried to make sense of things that are too cumbersome for me to ever understand. When I was first diagnosed with Lymphoma I tried to figure out why. What had I done to deserve this? There is no real answer, jus a path that leads to wasted energy, which is valuable during chemo☺

I do not talk much about cancer or chemo on here… I don’t know why. Sometimes this log seems like I world in which I can leave all of that behind. Birds and sunsets are beautiful they do not care if you are sick. But, I thought I would spend a little time to tell you what I know about cancer/chemo through my own experiences.

Cancer is a word/idea that cause so much change. It overwhelms your mind until every thought seems to eventually lead to it. It instantly brings and image of a bald, thin, pale person who looks as though they are slowly having life drained out of them. It makes you think of a person who is always nauseous and tired. Well, I am slowly beginning to fit that image. I have lost my hair (including the beard), I have to watch my exposure to the sun, and at the moment I am very tired. Chemo is interesting. They knock you down until you start to feel better then it is time for them to knock you down again.

But, do not let these people fool you. They are in a fight, and although it is taking a toll on them physically, chemo cannot touch their mind or spirit. This is obvious, but your approach to the situation makes all of the difference. When I let my mind/spirit get down everything seems so much wore. Yesterday was a treatment day and I was not in the mood for any of it. Last night was awful. I don’t think it was the medicine, I think it was me letting it get to me. Today we are back on track. I am tired but, I am kicking some cancer butt.

It is a little hard to try to explain what chemo feels like. That is why I usually say, “it is everything you would think chemo would be.” When asked I will tell you I feel good, or this week it is “just fine”. I will not tell you that every joint in my body hurts, that I can’t feel my fingers or my toes. I will not warn you that I am about to puke on your shoes. That it had no right to take my beard. That I don’t want to worry about my counts anymore. That there are times that it seems impossible to even stand. That apparently I have eaten some glass at some point. It will do no good for either of us. So, accept “just fine”☺

Just know, that even if the answer is not entirely honest, it means a lot when you ask. Funny, when face with such things you re-evaluate. My mind has always been such a mess that I can’t honestly tell you what re-evaluation I have accomplish but, I know my outlook is changing. I hope that this will be the last of the cancer talk on here for a while. Thanks for rallying the troops.

I need to send special thanks to the Boss, she is my rock.  I feel so lucky to be able to see my guardian angel.